Friday, December 21, 2012
Perhaps it is hubris for me to assume- post 12:10 GMT- that we are all in the clear. Given the fact that the Mayans had no abacuses, TI-85's, crazy 80's Swatch watches, or even rudimentary search engines like Ask Jeeves!, I suppose they could have been off by a couple hours. As soon as I walk into my favorite local Quik-e-Mart to discover they have, indeed, run out of Tahitian Treat, then I will know that shit is going down and I exhaled far too soon.
But, in the far-more likely scenario that the Mayans- like any myriad doomsday soothsayers- were a bunch of wackadoos, I'm left on this brisk Friday morning with one burning question:
What the hell am I supposed to do now? I had an action-packed day planned of jumping over lava flows, escaping crumbling metropolises with my family in a conveniently hot-wired sports car (daredevil, hair-pin turns aplenty), and smashing zombie heads with whatever blunt-force objects were available.
Not to mention this extensive list of things I always wanted to do before I die:
- Punch the "Napa Know-How" guy in the face.
- Get a giant checkerboard, with one set of checker pieces being McDonald's "Filet-O-Fish" sandwiches, and the other set being Krystal cheeseburgers. Upon jumping over the opponent's checker piece, it is quickly consumed. When you get the other end and are to be "kinged" (since the captured pieces are already consumed), you instead get a high-five from King Curtis.
- Buy several intangible services (like massages and psychiatric evaluation), then ask to return the merchandise for refund, because I "have the receipt, and it hasn't been 90 days since purchase".
- Grow an impressive parsnip garden.
- Jump high in the air, fist pumped to the sky in celebration (as if at the end of a feel-good 80's movie), and have everything freeze-frame.
- Watch an entire episode of the WB's Reba.
- Throw a pizza like a frisbee to be fetched by a life-like robotic dog.
- Live to see if Svedka really is voted the #1 Vodka of 2033.
- Go to jail, and then when the biggest, baddest guy in the prison asks me to be his bitch, I slap him in the face with a fresh, dolphin-safe tuna, then yell "beep beep" and speed out of there like the Roadrunner.
- Finally finish that last, tearjerking chapter of Jesse Ventura's I Ain't Got Time to Bleed.
- Watch all the 2-D movies in existence while wearing 3-D glasses.
- Eat an entire, live pig in the manner a python would.
Well, I guess I can still do all this stuff. But, in the proud tradition of procrastination and regret, I suppose I will wait until the next doomsday prophecy.